Roadblock to Recovery, Help, Growth, & a Better Life: Denial

One of my children has become an expert at not taking personal responsibility and not admitting when a personal wrong has been done. Often, when confronted with such inquiries and accusations, this child immediately has a response that points blame elsewhere or declares nothing wrong happened, though the truth is this child was personally responsible for something wrong that took place. This is denial.

When I was a kid, I remember sometimes being the “not me” kid or the ‘I didn’t do that” kid when in fact it was me and I did do that at times. I lied in such situations probably to avoid getting into trouble. This was a form of denial.

The problem of denial is that it’s not just a kid thing or a river flowing in Egypt. Denial is something all of us need to be keenly aware of in our own personal lives because it’s a roadblock to better things like being a better person. 

What if you or I are using denial as some sort of self-protecting defensive mechanism when confronted, or spiritually convicted, about the truth, the reality, regarding something in our personal lives? Is denial a mask I am wearing to suppress or ignore a real issue in my life, to possibly avoid being open, honest, and found out by others?

Denial is not being truthful with yourself, God, and others that there is something wrong in your life. There is something broken. There is something messed up and so you don’t admit there is an issue, a hurt, a habit, and/or a hang-up that is keeping you from being all that God wants you to be. Denial is a false system of personal beliefs that don’t jive with the truth. Denial extends your issues and multiples them.

Can you think of some people in the Holy Bible who were in denial?

How about Adam and Eve (Gen. 3)? God told them not to eat of a certain tree and they disobeyed God after being deceived and tempted to do so by the Satan-influenced serpent. Eve ate it first and then Adam. God confronted them and Adam blamed God and Eve and then Eve blamed the serpent. This is an example of denial.

How about many of the Pharisees in the days of Jesus? It is written (i.e. Matt. 23:2-3, 27-28) that they were hypocrites who knew about scriptural truth and would teach/preach it to others, but would not live it out personally. They appeared righteous on the outside but they were in fact like tombs of dead bones on the inside.

How about King David (2 Sam. 12). He committed adultery with a married woman, Bathsheba, and ordered her husband to go to the front lines in battle which led to the man’s death. God’s prophet, Nathan, came to David and rebuked him for these sins and spoke of divine consequences. David was living in denial, but praise God, after this intervention he confessed and repented.

Denial is like being in a small cramped room with a full grown wild elephant and believing/stating that the elephant is not present or not an issue. Denial is like drinking alcohol regularly to the degree that such behavior is destroying your relationships and eating away at your employability but yet you tell yourself and others that you don’t have a drinking problem. Denial is like thinking it’s okay if I lust about others just in my mind or from looking at porn because this won’t hurt anyone else. Denial is like wearing a t-shirt to church that says, everything is fine, but you, those who live with you, and God know otherwise.

Denial often overlaps with self-deception and deceiving others. The Devil is known as the great deceiver (Rev. 12:9) but we know a thing or two about it as well, don’t we?

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, “The easiest person to deceive is one's own self.”

Erwin W. Lutzer, “We are experts at deceiving others and ourselves too!”

Note: Quotes above from Draper's Book of Quotations for the Christian World.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8 ESV

For years as an adolescent I compared my anger to another specific person’s anger and I would think to myself that he had a big temper problem. I felt like I never acted out like he did in anger so I don’t have any anger issues. But the truth is, I’ve had several sinful anger episodes in my life. I was in fist fights when I was a kid and adolescent. I’ve been mad and aggressive at times when I was very frustrated or felt threatened. As a parent, I’ve yelled at and tried to intimidate my sons in my anger before. In years past, I was in personal denial about anger in my life. I thought, “I’ve seen others really lose their temper and escalate in rage. That’s not me. They have a problem. I don’t.” That was denial in my life! And if I kept wearing a mask of denial and self-deception that there was no anger issue to address in my life how would I ever get some help and truly change for the better?

Have you ever worn some sort of mask of denial, thinking to yourself you have no issues in your life, telling others you are fine, wanting others to think you are fine but you are not really because there truly are issues in your life? Have you ever been in denial that someone close to you doesn’t really have a problem when in fact they do have a problem?

There is a living hope for those who trust Jesus Christ as personal Savior and Lord and live according to God’s Word for His people today.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1:3-5 ESV

Denial a key roadblock to personal recovery, receiving help, and growing as the person God desires you to be. This is why Lesson #1 in Celebrate Recovery is about Denial. In order to really have the better life that God wants you and I to have we must acknowledge and move past this denial roadblock in our life before real progress occurs.

If you are struggling with denial, or any hurts, habits, or hang-ups, then give your life fully to Jesus Christ and expect Him to intervene and minister to you through His Word, His people, and circumstances to guide you on the right path. You and I need to take personal responsibility in this spiritual growth/recovery journey and God will help us and bless us and others through us greatly when we do.

                               

John Baker wrote (from Celebrate Recovery Leader’s Guide), “Walking out of denial is not easy. Taking off that mask is hard. Everything about you shouts, “Don’t do it! It’s not safe!” But it is safe.”

It is safe with God and the right and good thing to do. It can also be safe by opening up with a trusted friend or group about the true issues in your life. It can be safe in a ministry like Celebrate Recovery which seeks to promote a safe and confidential environment for open sharing.

What’s holding you back in denial? Do you fear others finding out about your issues? Are you afraid of your past or your future? Are you afraid to change in the present? Are you avoiding personal responsibility? Are you trying to avoid potential consequences?

God is good and He has a plan for His people that is part of His overall plan to work things out according to His good purposes. He wants you to experience joy and peace and comfort from Him. He wants His redeemed to experience the abundant life as well as eternal life in Christ.

Personal denial is a roadblock to God’s good plans for you. Denial keeps you stuck in issues instead of growing in freedom according to God’s gracious will.

John Baker wrote (from Celebrate Recovery Leader’s Guide), “Step out of your denial so you can step into Jesus’ unconditional love and grace and begin your healing journey of recovery.”

..and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32 ESV

For more information about stepping out of your denial, check out a ministry like Celebrate Recovery.

What do you think about what I’ve written here about denial being a key roadblock to recovery, help, growth, and a better life?

Mike

Stranger in the Night

Ding dong! “Is that the doorbell?” I said to my wife at 3am, recently. We rise up in bed. I try to wake up some and put more clothes on. It is pitch-black outside and no streetlight anywhere near our home among a strip of houses in the outskirts of town. We turn on the front porch light. I look out the upstairs window to see who is standing near our front door. The young adult male has a baseball cap on and hands in both pockets. Hmmmn?

“What should we do?” we asked each other. “Should I get a weapon?” I thought. My wife said, “No. He could take it away from you and use it.” “Should we call the police?” I asked. “No. You don’t need to call the police,” she stated. I’m praying internally about what to do, whether I should open our front door or not. I have a wife and four young kids, including a baby girl. What would you do?

I was thinking about some possible scenarios. This guy could be planning to scam or con me in some way. Maybe he is after money or prescription drugs. Maybe this might become a home invasion. If I go out there I may be taken advantage of, threatened or even harmed in some way. I was also thinking this was just another test of faith in God and as a Christ-follower I am to help people in need.

I felt my next step should be to communicate with this stranger through the door to find out why he just rang our doorbell. I asked him, “Can I help you?” The man responded with, “I need a wrench for my truck. I was just on my way home from work and it stopped.” This guy wasn’t erratic. It didn’t seem like an urgent emergency. Maybe he just needed some help with his vehicle. But it is very late. There is no one else around that I’m aware of. And it is very dark out there.

What do I do next? Do I give him a wrench”? Do I open the front door? Do I not help him directly or at all? Maybe I should call a neighbor or my relatives who live nearby. Two are better than one (Eccl. 4:9a).

I thought to myself that there are two 24/7 service stations about one mile down the road and that is what I told him through the door. His response was, “I can’t drive my truck. Thanks.” And he walked off into the dark. I went back to the upstairs window where I could barely see him doing something on a vehicle in front of my neighbor’s yard. I am thinking that this is not over.

Should I do something else? About five to ten minutes passed and the truck started and he drove off into the night. I did not hear any voices or notice any other vehicles. This is good news that he was able to drive off because he did tell me he could not drive the truck. But maybe that was a lie. I don’t know. What would you do if you were in my shoes, or slippers, that night?

I have helped strangers many times, even taking some of my boys with me in our vehicle while giving strangers a ride somewhere. But I seem to remember all those occasions were during the daylight. I still prayed and trusted God through them. I remember once when a stranger called the church, where I was pastoring, asking for a ride for some gasoline because his truck ran out of gas. I drove to pick him up and along the way I prayed for increased faith in God and for divine protection in case this man wanted to take advantage of me, steal from me, or harm me somehow. That moment of ministry went well and I had a good conversation with the guy.

Then, there was that time in my early adult years, before I was a pastor, when I lied to a stranger about not having jumper cables because I did not want to be inconvenienced in helping him. It was wrong for me to lie and I had the means to help him but didn’t because of convenience. I believe that was wrong as well. Praise God for His grace and forgiveness when we humbly confess our sin to Him. That was a teachable moment. I want to help people when I am able to do so.

Proverbs 3:27-28 ESV  Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. ²⁸ Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.

And of course Christ Followers are called to be Good Samaritans to strangers in need (see Luke 10). I recognize these biblical principles and my heart was stirred on this particular night to help this stranger but I also discerned that I should be protecting my family as well as I can and I should not act impulsively or foolishly under these circumstances. We lock the doors at night for a reason.

Nehemiah wrote this about protecting your families against the threat of violent enemies. Nehemiah 4:14b ESV ..“Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.”

Jesus pointed this out. Luke 11:21 ESV When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are safe;

Jesus also said this one time to His disciples when sending them out into world. Luke 22:35-36 ESV ³⁵And he said to them, “When I sent you out with no moneybag or knapsack or sandals, did you lack anything?” They said, “Nothing.” ³⁶ He said to them, “But now let the one who has a moneybag take it, and likewise a knapsack. And let the one who has no sword sell his cloak and buy one.

I believe we are to trust the Lord for provision and protection but this doesn’t mean we don’t work when we are able to or that we foolishly ignore safety concerns and just see what happens. On this particular night, I discerned that I was to be cautious and protect my family. Perhaps I could refer the stranger to help nearby or call someone on his behalf but I was not going to open the front door to him at this time. I felt a little spiritual guilt about this at first but overall I believe I made the right decision on this occasion.

What do you think?

Mike